Aedan's Bday

Lilypie First Birthday tickers

Friday, October 16, 2009

I'm scared

Fear is constantly in my life.

Me being the rule-book/schema/conforming sort of could say I'm afraid of many many things. I worry a lot. I am pessimistic. I see the bad before the good.


Fear is part of my life - but I guess it's a not-bad thing. Fear drives me. Fear encourages me.

Fear doesn't rule me but it does kick me in the ass very, very often.

Many people give me the "oh-god-what-a-wet-blanket" look whenever I deliver my spiel on why we have to follow the rules :D I've since tried to cease this behaviour because of this epiphany:

"It's only me and no one else. Others will be fine. I won't be. So, me, myself and I shouldn't be stepping out of line. Toe it."

It's crap, I know! My brother, Dominic is the complete opposite of me. He’s a make-doer and somehow, things come true for him.

Muka poyo

My darls Hanic is another – she just jumps into the most ridiculous death-wish situations but invariably comes out unscathed.

Our younger days

It never works for me. Lol I've no scientific proof to offer, but about 20 years of living really helps put things in perspective. Plus, it swings both ways too!

Case One:

Back in IPBA, we used to have those dreaded Thursday 2pm assemblies that were supposed to be compulsory. Like the nerdette I was - I'd be there, every Thursday - usually sitting alone coz everyone I loved was already back in their rooms catching a snooze after a long morning of classes. I used to trudge back after the assembly thinking, "Next week, I'm going to ditch it!"

And I did! Guess what happened?

That was the one week the administration decided to take attendance!!!!! Eeeeek-ness!

*substitute the story above with compulsory sports practice.

WTH - it was like I had a built-in system that alerted the authorities "Slacker! Slacker!"

After these episodes where I jeopardized not only myself but my roomies, my darling Ain came up to me and said - "I think you better not miss today's thing - please - for us. You have to go so we can stay behind and laze." Blek. :p

Case two

Case two happened only last Saturday. My school had its annual luncheon at some restaurant downtown JB. We had also had a LDP thingy (Prof Dev course) that very morning so I was loathed to go. Besides that, I had no means of transport. Furthermore, KG and I had plans to run some important errands that arvo. I decided not to go.

Imagine my vexation when colleagues called me up to tell me that I’d missed out on quite a few large lucky draw prizes!!! I NEVER win at lucky draws! Friends have been known to ask me to sit at another table just so I don’t jinx them! Sad….


So yea – It’s always ‘damned if I do, damned if I don’t’ situation for me. The safest bet is to play it by the rules….guess I’ll never be the hero(ine) in any story…

However, I’m glad for my “fear” of things in some ways. It has always pushed me to do things in life. Fear of failure drove me to excel. Fear of poverty drives me to excel. Fear of cockroaches will drive me to clean my room.Today.


My Fear of The Day: Inability to have babies :S

Friends around me have been having babies of late :p

One of my oldest and darlingest friends, Sharon has just given birth to a darling girlie!

Another darling friend, Michelle has also just given birth to the cutest baby boy!

I was thinking to myself, well, I’ll need to have one soon :p I mean, I go on and on about how I’m not ready to have a baby coz the maternal instincts have not really kicked in yet. Truth be told, I still think they’re lost in the mail.

But KG and I have been discussing and planning … and a horrifying thought just occurred to us. What if God deems me an unfit mom (coz I’ve been telling everyone I can’t imagine being one for the past 6 years)??? Then, no babies for Rosalynn? Gosh – that’s scary (is that the maternal thing making its entrance?)

So many what-ifs and I’m the sort who needs to hold the answers. :S

Sigh, we’ll see what happens won’t we? Regardless, I’ll leave it in the hands of the Lord and live with it.

Whoever coined the term, “Time will tell” was a genius.


Curse said...

cant find a better pic? lol =p I take calculated risks ok? but then again, my maths are not that good =p

Curse said...

eh, i take calculated risks ok? but then again, my maths were never that good =p